Georgina's Angel Day

Music -Ronan Keating - If Tomorrow Never Comes

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write, my heart is breaking as I do so like it breaks everyday since Georgie passed. As I write this that sun is shining on me I like to think that it's Georgie's way of telling me she is with me & is trying to give me the strength to get this down.

When I found out I was expecting Georgie I had a horrible feeling a horrid sensation that she wasn't going to make it. Not through miscarriage, although I was scared of that but I just knew that she would pass too soon. Call it mothers intuition I don't know but I knew. I never voiced or vocalised this to anyone because I didn't want people thinking that I wanted my baby to die. This is the last thing I wanted. God I wish I had voiced this fear now maybe she would still be here. That's all I have now what ifs, could have Been & maybes & it's not enough!!!

The night before Georgie passed she had a bad night in that she didn't want to sleep she wanted to play & was laughing & gurgling at me in her own sweet little way, every time I put her down for her to go to sleep she jut kept crying. I think she knew & wanted to spend some time with her mummy. I was singing to her, talking to her rocking her until 4am when she feel asleep in my arms. I will always treasure those hours with Georgie as those where the last hours I spent with her exclusively just me & my Angel Princess.

I was up again at 6am that morning (9th April 2002) with Bradley Georgie's big brother. Georgie woke at about 7am I noticed that she was a little rattly with her chest. So I thought I'd see how she went over the day. Georgie had a hospital appointment with her consultant the following afternoon (sadly she never made this appointment) I was going to discuss it with her consultant as Georgie got a cold when she was 2 weeks old & never really shook it of. After about an hour or so she was back to her normal self the rattling had gone as quickly as it had come. Oh how I wish I had taken her to the Dr's maybe she would still be here on this earth with her family who love & miss her so much. The rest of the day passed as a normal typical day for us. Georgie fell asleep at around 4pm I had decided that day to put Georgie back onto demand feeding & it was working well. The reason I decided to do this is because as the majority of the time 9 times out of 10 when I was having to wake her for feeds & literally force the milk into her she was sick, which in my opinion was undoing everything the Dr's were trying to do. I mean what is the point in giving her high calorie milk to make her gain weight only for her to just throw it up?

Georgie slept through until 12:30am! She never slept that long!! I thought she was catching up on her sleep from the night before as she had been awake for most of the day she looked so peaceful I breast fed her & gave her the last bottle of the day. The following feed was to be purely a breast feed. Georgie settled back down very quickly & I went to bed & fell asleep. Georgie woke me up again between 5 & 6 am for her next feed. This was the feed that I could get an extra ½ hours sleep before Bradley woke me up to start his day. I pulled Georgie into bed with me like I did every morning, latched her on & then fell back to sleep with Georgina next to me feeding. She was her normal self when she woke for that feed.

What happened next I relive every time I close my eyes. I was debating weather to put the full story into this but if I don't then I feel like somehow I am cheating Georgie, I don't know. Bradley my son Georgie's big brother came into my bedroom & woke me up Georgie was next to me. In his hand he had a baby wipe with blood on it I thought he had hurt himself in someway as I asked him what was wrong he was very distressed "mummy baby" This must have taken approx. 30 seconds I looked down to where I thought Georgie was sleeping still at my breast. The first thing I noticed was I had blood on me. Georgie was a strange color with her mouth wide open & there was blood coming from her nose & mouth. I knew then that she had gone. Bradley had tried to clean her up wipe the blood away with the baby wipe. I leapt out of bed screaming "NO NOT GEORGINA" screaming her name over & over. While I was pregnant with Georgie I attended a day course on child resuscitation, never did I think I would have to use it on one of my own children. I did one cycle of CPR on Georgie, stupidly I forgot to move her from the bed onto a flat surface. I then ran for the phone & called for an ambulance taking the phone with me. I then took Georgie from the bed & laid her on the floor. With the help of the ambulance controller I continued the CPR. I was hysterical although no tears came just hysterics. While I was doing the CPR I remember that there was a gurgling/gushing sound after I had done the breaths bit of it. I knew that wasn't right but the ambulance controller told me it was fine.

The ambulance arrived within minutes although it felt like hours. I gathered Georgie into my arms & ran down my hallway with her screaming at them to save my baby, help my baby. The paramedic that came to the door grabbed Georgie & ran with her. I grabbed my baby bag & a T-shirt for Bradley as he was only wearing a nappy. ( I knew that there were nappies clothes etc. for both Georgie & Bradley in the bag as I always have it packed ready to go out the door) Some how during all this I managed to get my dressing gown on & my trainers. Another paramedic had come in the rapid response car which took me & Bradley to the hospital as the ambulance had gone by this point as soon as Georgie was in the back of it in fact it speed off blue lights blazing.

Some how my mobile was in my baby bag I had to phone Georgie's daddy but I was in such a state. Mal is a HGV driver & is away all week only home Fri. & Sat nights. In my mind I was hoping & praying that he would be close by ( & he was thank god). The paramedic took the phone off me & told mal who he was etc. & that Georgie was unconscious. I remember screaming at him to tell him the truth.

We arrived at the hospital & I was shown into a small room where I was given a coffee & a cigarette. the paramedic that brought me & Bradley stayed with us until a nurse came into the room he stayed for a while & I will be forever grateful to the ambulance service for the care & attention they gave me & the children. When the nurse came in I screamed at her "she's dead isn't she, just tell me the truth" The reply came back that the Dr's were doing everything that they could & Georgie is very sick. I then had to explain what had happened & how I had found her. To be honest it was Bradley that found her not me. Bradley was taken to the playroom on the children's ward. I was asked if I wanted to see Georgie yes of course I wanted to see her she is my baby!!!! Now looking back part of me wishes I hadn't gone to see her. The Dr's had lots of tubes & wires all over her she was on what I assume was a ventilator & they were breathing for her she had plaster all over her face where the tube was going into her mouth. I noticed that her big toe was now a purple color & each time after that in the hour & ½ that I saw her while they were working on her it got a deeper & deeper purple. I held her hand & talked to her willing her to keep fighting to come back to us telling her how much we love her. I will never forget the image of Georgie like this.

Malcolm had phoned his best friend to come to the hospital as he was at least 2 hours away from us. Mick arrived not long after I did. I want to thank Mick for his unconditional love & support he gave me that morning he saw things I know he would rather not have. I tried to phone my mum but got no answer so phoned my sister in law (who is also my best friend) all I could tell her was that Georgie was dead, even though it wasn't official yet I knew I just knew. The nurse that was with me her name was Shanie I am so grateful to the staff at the hospital as I only really dealt with Shanie all day she cried with us. Shanie even stayed well past the end of her shift to be with us & support us & she will always have a place in my heart. I kept telling Shanie that I had killed my baby. I suffocated her, her mouth & nose were covered by my breast. WHY did I fall asleep WHY????????

The hour & ½ that they worked on Georgie was the longest hour & ½ of my life. At one point a Dr came through & told me they had a heartbeat although Georgie wasn't breathing on her own her heart was beating. That gave me hope, something to cling onto. Next thing I knew a Dr came in & told me there was nothing more they could do & wanted my permission to stop working on her. I screamed NO don't stop make her better bring her back make her better. You got a heartbeat what about her heartbeat don't stop. The Dr then informed me that it wasn't a heartbeat it was electrical activity on the surface of her heart. I was taken through to see Georgina I was in complete hysterics I walked into the resuscitation room the curtain was pulled around Georgina's trolley although not pulled far enough because I saw them putting my baby girl into a mosses basket. I collapsed on the floor screaming at them not to stop to save my baby girl my princess. I was picked up off the floor & walked to Georgie she looked like she was sleeping. I laid my head on her chest & asked her to wake up I was crying wake up baby girl please Georgie wake up. I then picked Georgie up & was sitting there rocking my sweet angel princess willing her to breath to wake up. I then carried my baby girl back into the room where Mick was sitting.

After a while Malcolm came in & we cried together while I was holding our little angel. Then my mum, dad & brother came in. As Georgie's death was a sudden & unexpected death of a baby the police were called & When the detective walked in the room Mal lost it & had to leave as in one breath the detective told me we are not treating this as suspicious but we need the sheet that is on your bed for forensic stuff. It was then explained to me that there is no way that I suffocated Georgina there was no evidence to suggest this but to this day I don't believe that.

We spent a few hours with Georgie & Bradley was brought back to us so he could say goodbye to his baby which he did he gave her a little kiss & said bye-bye baby didter (didster is sister) before we left Georgina at the hospital we had her blessed with Myself Malcom Bradley my parents & my brother there we are not religious people but I felt the need to have this done. Shanie took Georgina & had her foot & hand prints done for us & also gave us a lock of Georgie's hair. Walking out of the hospital without my baby girl was one of the most difficult things I have ever done I wanted to run back in there & bring her home with us I had the notion that if I did that she would be OK that she would wake up. In the car on the way home the first song we heard was the song playing on this page If tomorrow Never Comes by Ronan Keating. I'm convinced it was Georgie sending us the song to let us know she is still with us. This song has now become Georgina's song. I miss & love my Sweet Angel Princess Georgina Elizabeth Rosina more than words can say & if you listen to the song it comes from my heart.